17 june 08
dear blog. i just feel like whining. sorry.
life is better now that im seeing through a pair of glasses. everything is so much clearer. but sometimes, i ask myself, would it be better if i know nothing, i see nothing, i hear nothing, i feel nothing.
didn't go back to camp today. ate too much rubbish during the weekends due to the so called father's day celebrations. well, that wasn't totally the reason. i wake up finding myself feeling confused and screwed up inside. i just feel so. empty. everything has drained away, again. i lost it.
life is back to what it was and had been. spending everynight staring out the window, pondering about every single thing in my life. the things i did, things i wanted to do, all the people that came accross my life.
can't deny it. without fail. i always return to point one, no matter what happens. somewhat like, being trapped in a cycle. its back to the "good" old days.
dad got angry at me for not going back to camp today, but i couldn't be bothered bout him. not like he ever bothered bout how i feel. about a week or so ago, he somewhat complained that i never got him any gifts for father's day. just the thought of it makes me burn. since the day i was born, i dont remember recieving any gifts from him. im lazy to elaborate about the rc toy car birthday gift which is overdue 15 years. why am i crying when i think of this? why. i thought i gave up. on everything. what is it that still hurts me? maybe, i still cant let everything go. still trying to get alone with my family. when i think of grandma, i feel that i shouldn't leave this family. in fact. i find it hard. but life is not getting any easier. its still, exactly the same as how it was ten over years ago. everytime i think of the word 'sorry'. i cry inside. every single day, im so sorry to myself, for all the wrong decisions i made for myself.
know what it means when i say feeling empty?
let me explain.
feeling empty is when you,
can't eat no matter how u force yourself.
can't shit even though you feel that your intestines are so full that its gonna explode any moment.
can't sleep even though your eyes are closed cos you just canot find the 'off' button in your mind.
can't reply any verbal questions and no matter how long you have to think, you end up shaking your head slowly.
can't understand whats going on in the tv screen, you'd rather off it cos you find the blank screen so much easier to understand.
look at the sky through the window thinking all you ever want is to get OUT.
i just.
have no courage to break free.