BLANK

2009-08-21T00:42:00.001+08:00

have to go for pre employment medical checkup tml morning.
why the hell do they still send me for medical checkup AFTER they already hired me and i signed the contract? -.-

and when i key in yewtee and the clinic's address, the gothere.sg tells me:
Oops, there are no public transport services running at the moment. Looks like you'll have to grab a cab instead. :(

EVERYTHING IS JUST CRAP.

2009-08-04T21:00:00.001+08:00

from FML:
Today, my enraged girlfriend told me she was fired from her nurse job for no reason. I called her employer to find out why. He told me that she was caught "helping out" a male patient, and that supposedly she has done the same with just about every good looking guy that comes into the hospital. FML

- cmon. get used to it. it happens. =)

2009-07-26T17:58:00.002+08:00

for the first time in my life, i saw a wolf.
it stared at me, i stared at it.
two seconds later, there is a loud bam.
and..
the wolf disappears, my journey carrys on.
stupid pucket indah.

ITS A DOG!
ITS A WOLF!
who cares wad it is.
for all i know, its dead.

2009-07-19T00:23:00.005+08:00

went esplanade for dinner with jeff and chris after work this evening.

went watch 53A's performance after dinner.
the performance was great due to some external factors =)
see for yourself.

=)
53A improved alot with the addition of bani.
go 53A!!
hope your album can be released successfully soon.

2009-06-23T00:10:00.001+08:00

hi blog. its been long.
i kinda miss you.
how are you??
let me sing a song for you.

你终于说出口
其实你早就已经不爱我

为什么要低着头
你知道这玩笑骗不倒我

可是这不是玩笑
是要逃避你离开我的理由
我还能做什么
你已经不爱我
我一直都爱着你
难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看着我
一心想离开我

我终于也说出口
其实很爱你但从没认真说过

或许是我的错
多在乎你却只放在心中
不要问我为什么
因为爱你这就是我的理由
我还能做什么
你已经不爱我
我一直都爱着你
难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看着我
没什么需要被原谅
我笑得有些牵强
你知道我总是能够假装不难过
oh不想看你那么累
多希望再给我机会
颤抖着我的手
握住的只是风

我还能做什么
你已经不爱我
我一直都爱着你
难道这还不够
我还要做什么
你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看着我
一心想离开我

2009-02-16T03:54:00.001+08:00

i need.

a screwdriver.

2009-02-10T23:30:00.002+08:00

stop ignoring questions please. if you're not gonna tell me. i can't do anything to help you feel better and that makes the both of us feel down. no? its not like i don't care. if i don't even know anything, how exactly do i care?
if you say. you don't wanna affect my mood. i'm gonna tell you, how can i not be affected. and if there's nothing i can do. i feel useless.

goodnight.

2009-01-13T03:54:00.002+08:00

i wish.
i would just be a good boy and eat my sleeping pills every night.
why wouldn't i do it?
thats.
for me to ask myself,
for you to ignore.

2009-01-03T05:33:00.001+08:00

i found a penknife.
but.

its not anywhere near sharp.
disappointed.

2009-01-01T22:40:00.000+08:00

take a bow
cause the scene is coming to an end
i gave you love
all you gave me was pretend
so now take a bow

2008-11-26T01:52:00.002+08:00

PAIN. is...
satisfying.

cant find any blades.
no penknife.

tried the kitchen knife and.
its not even sharp.

I WANT A SURGICAL KNIFE.
forgot when i lost the one i stolen.
can someone steal one from a lab for me?

all i want for christmas.
is a surgical knife.

2008-10-14T03:40:00.002+08:00

pangseh-ed someone.
feeling really bad. didnt have a good enough reason for it.
phychologist was doing some therapy or smth to help me cope with depression. session lasted longer than usual thou. had to hypnotise me to clear my mind of the hatred and sadness before she would let me leave the clinic.

maybe the hypnotising didnt work. maybe because i stopped taking the stupid antidepressants. I FEEL SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW. dont try to piss me. u WILL succede.

2008-09-02T00:44:00.001+08:00

crap im allergic to remeron. and i thought its the best medicine around.

2008-08-30T05:13:00.002+08:00

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog.

Starting time: [ 5.15am ]
Name: [ edwin ]
Sisters: [ 2 ]
Brothers: [ 0 ]
Shoe Size: [ 8 or 8.5 or 9 ]
Height: [ 170cm ]

Where do you live: [ my room ]
Favourite drinks: [ kopi-O gao ]
Favourite breakfast: [ i don't eat breakfast ]

Have you ever been on a plane?: [ yes ]
Swam in the ocean: [ no ]
Fallen asleep at school: [ duh ]
Broken someone’s heart: [ yes ]
Fell off your chair: [ yes ]
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: [ the phone sat by me ]
What is your room like: [ a room? ]
What’s right beside you: now? : [ window ]
What is the last thing you ate: [ nuggets ]
Ever had chicken pox: [ yes ]
Sore throat: [ hellooo? ]
Stitches: [ no ]
Broken nose: [ no ]

Do you believe in love at first sight: [ yes ]
Like picnics: [ no ]
Who was, were the last person you danced with: [ i can't dance ]
Last made you smile: [ fake smile considered? ]
You last yelled at: [ too far back to remember ]

Today did you:
Talk to someone you like: [ no ]
Kissed anyone: [ no ]
Get sick: [ no ]
Talk to an ex: [ no ]
Miss someone: [ no ]
Eat: [ uhh.. ]

Best feeling in the world: [ driving at 160km/h ]
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: [ no ]
What’s under your bed: [ floor ]
Who do you really hate: [ myself ]
What time is it now?: [ 5.20am ]

5 things I was doing 10 years ago
1. eat
2. sleep
3. study
4. stare at the monitor
5. bathe

5 things on my to-do list today:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
which idiot invented a name for something like this -.-

5 snacks I enjoy:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
how to enjoy when u fall sick after eating anything. Z.

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. mm. MY CAR!
2. get myself cured
3. leave singapore
4. build my own building
5. let the money make my next billion

5 of my bad habits:
1. hmm
2. hmmm
3. hmmmm
4. hmmmmm
5. hmmmmmm
none of my habits are good anyway.

5 places I have lived/stayed a night in:
1. home
2. gramdma's place
3. hotel
4. chalet
5. school

5 things I will do after complete what im busy wif:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
do i have anything to do? oO

i shall not target anyone. well even if i aim at them, they wouldn't know anyway.

2008-08-10T21:17:00.002+08:00

it was my grandma's hundredth day aniversary yesterday. everyone was emotional again as usual. although i don't quite get it. was also one of my auntie's birthday, its also singapore's birthday by the way. uncle brought us to lunch at imm's fish & co. cos they help ppl celebrate birthdays and stuffs. after that went chevrons, those who play pool play poke balls, those who play bowling roll balls, those who play slots press buttons at the jackpot room. so boring.. jackpots. -.- dinner was at random coffeeshop in clementi. stupid, can't eat my chicken lice. closed zz. after dinner was kbox oO. 8pm to 3am. i told them. for 13 ppl. kbox is nono. but uncle said. nevermind, money is not important. we got no time. time is more important. oh well. bill was 600 dollars. kbox gave a pair of concert tix thou. worth 129 each so well. okok bah. but the concert.... not my era. so i returned the tix to uncle.

wonder how much money uncle paid yesterday, lunch was bout 300, kbox was 600. wow. guess he is really sad. when a person is sad. spending lots of money does help. well, guess the money was affordable to him. end of the day, whats important is that he's happy and don't really have time to think bout grandma.

2008-07-29T01:01:00.003+08:00

today is not bad. not totally feeling healthy but still went thru the tp test rather smoothly. CONFIRM PASS LA. lol. thats wad i always say. so.. no stress.

I GOT MY LICENSE.

2 points, fail to check mirror before moving off.
OWN SI NI.

2008-07-23T01:10:00.004+08:00

i have a 10.2 mega pixels digital slr with me. but i still duno wad to put for my background. -.-

HELP!!!

revival still in progress.

today's driving lesson was ok. think shd be able to pass.
tml going back to camp!! lol. wonder wads gonna happen. can i get used to it. so many days of mc. well technically im still sick so... maybe i shd extend my mc. BUT. i better go back in case smth crops up and i dont know. hmmm. time to watch tv and prepare for sleeping mood.

我不配

2008-07-22T04:57:00.002+08:00

hmm. mc since last monday and still counting.
really really sick.
but i dun seem to be bothered bout my own body.
still.. abuse it whenever possible.
realised i do miss the people at camp. their nonsense. the good buddies.
too bad. driving test comming up next monday, have to mia awhile more.
kinda.. afraid of death now. just... a little.
wonder wads stopping me.
i really dont know.
but generally.
i dont mind leaving everything behind.

not so much of a perfectionist i was now. life seems easier this way.

driving lessons ending!
hopefully.

time to move towards my dream maybe?
suddenly feel like continuing my studies.
computer engineering!
ok thats not really my dream.
but what the heck.
its five, time to warm my bed.

2008-07-17T00:02:00.003+08:00

with the arrival of my new toy, its time for a revamp.

soon.
=)

2008-07-14T04:15:00.002+08:00

sometimes. nothing seems to work out. people think, when we wake up from the nightmare, everything will be better =)

look into my eyes.
listen to me.
and..
WAKE UP YOUR FUCKING IDEA.

when you wake up, you will realise, this is life. nothing will ever work out.
why do people agree that nothing is perfect, but they will never agree that everything is imperfect.

time to stop seeking perfection.

2008-06-28T03:03:00.002+08:00

if you wonder off too far.
my love will get you home.

feeling damn tired the past week. maybe cos of the new website project. plus euro 08. thou i still sleep at 5am without euro 08. finally finished the website but while im clearing up the extra stuffs before submitting to the client, i deleted the last two pages which i chionged last night. had to redo them at office with notepad. -.-
dont really know what happened to myself, my mind is not thinking as much as usual. maybe something is wrong with me. maybe cos i told myself, stop thinking. just give up. nothing matters. not sure if its a good or bad change. realise i haven't seen my counsellor for quite awhile and im doing fine =) ok maybe i dont even know if i really am ok. booked a counselling session next tuesday. hopefully i realise that i got nothing to say to the counsellor. but i think, even then, i would still doubt if i really am fine. its just. me.

2008-06-17T04:27:00.001+08:00

humbleness
humanity
hardworking

simple yet very inspiring lesson from someone who barely know me.

17 june 08

2008-06-17T01:39:00.000+08:00

dear blog. i just feel like whining. sorry.
life is better now that im seeing through a pair of glasses. everything is so much clearer. but sometimes, i ask myself, would it be better if i know nothing, i see nothing, i hear nothing, i feel nothing.
didn't go back to camp today. ate too much rubbish during the weekends due to the so called father's day celebrations. well, that wasn't totally the reason. i wake up finding myself feeling confused and screwed up inside. i just feel so. empty. everything has drained away, again. i lost it.
life is back to what it was and had been. spending everynight staring out the window, pondering about every single thing in my life. the things i did, things i wanted to do, all the people that came accross my life.
can't deny it. without fail. i always return to point one, no matter what happens. somewhat like, being trapped in a cycle. its back to the "good" old days.
dad got angry at me for not going back to camp today, but i couldn't be bothered bout him. not like he ever bothered bout how i feel. about a week or so ago, he somewhat complained that i never got him any gifts for father's day. just the thought of it makes me burn. since the day i was born, i dont remember recieving any gifts from him. im lazy to elaborate about the rc toy car birthday gift which is overdue 15 years. why am i crying when i think of this? why. i thought i gave up. on everything. what is it that still hurts me? maybe, i still cant let everything go. still trying to get alone with my family. when i think of grandma, i feel that i shouldn't leave this family. in fact. i find it hard. but life is not getting any easier. its still, exactly the same as how it was ten over years ago. everytime i think of the word 'sorry'. i cry inside. every single day, im so sorry to myself, for all the wrong decisions i made for myself.

know what it means when i say feeling empty?
let me explain.
feeling empty is when you,
can't eat no matter how u force yourself.
can't shit even though you feel that your intestines are so full that its gonna explode any moment.
can't sleep even though your eyes are closed cos you just canot find the 'off' button in your mind.
can't reply any verbal questions and no matter how long you have to think, you end up shaking your head slowly.
can't understand whats going on in the tv screen, you'd rather off it cos you find the blank screen so much easier to understand.
look at the sky through the window thinking all you ever want is to get OUT.

i just.
have no courage to break free.

2008-06-07T06:41:00.001+08:00

feeling damn empty recently. nothing much happened, don't know why. feel like i just cannot acomplish anything. what should i do next? feels as if, all i know is how to waste myself away. its not like i really want to. somehow i slept most of my time away for the past week. rather amazing. sleep. me. what the hell? the sky is getting brighter by the minute. don't intend to sleep. =)

the last day of may

2008-06-01T02:48:00.001+08:00

went to chinatown with sis, uncle, and ahgong today. ahgong is gonna bring me to the spectacle shop which he always goes to. well. to make me first pair of spects.

just before we reach, uncle brought up that it would be a long process selecting the frame. when ahgong said. frame is not important. select a good lens. and he said my dad was the one who told him that. wtf? anyway my dad denied it when my uncle asked him later on. then, uncle had a debate with ahgong about having lunch first or getting my spects first. lucky uncle won, the dim sum restraunt closes at 3pm. and reopens for dinner at 6pm. we reached at 2.30pm. -.- ate in quite a hurry, but theres not much food left anyway. the kitchen is not producing anymore food as its so close to their break time. ahgong keeps rushing us. faster eat faster eat. don't waste time. so late already.

when we went back into the lift. (the restraunt is above the multi-storey car park) i pressed 3rd floor, where my uncle parked his car. he looked at me and asked, "did u just press three?" then my sis said. "three must walk up one floor. five better." and she pressed five. the life only had one three five and seven. old old building.
then my uncle said. "you going back to the car ah?" THEN. i woke up. hello.. the main objective of going there, was to get my spects. omg wad were we thinking.

had a huge shock when i passed the prescription to the staff, "are you sure you didn't wear spects before. first pair of spects 400+ degrees? this is crazy!" i was blur cos the paper wrote +4.25 so i asked uncle. i tot. there is a dot behind the four. its POINT two five wad. hah. then he enlightened me, the glasses will be 425 degrees if the prescription is 4.25 la. like what the hell? im living with four hundred over degrees for so long and i can see perfectly with 6/6 for both left and right eyes?

went back to holland, cant call it grandma's place anymore i guess. the whole family is back today. was hellish. everyone questioning me bout my eyes. no matter how i explain, they simply don't understand. "yah yah don't talk nonsense la. play too much computer". thats all they know how to say. or rather, they chose not to believe me. like i say to everyone. if my eyes are really damaged by the computer, why the hell am i able to read tiny text and see everything so clearly. that wasn't all. my auntie told me, dad said i went home in the morning and didn't sleep. zz. i reached home bout 5. slept till 7+. woke up to pee. saw my dad at the kitchen. went back to sleep till 12.45pm. he IMAGINED that i just reached home when he saw me at 7+am. i didn't bother to explain anything. they just simply wouldn't believe anything. hid in small aunt's room all the while.

reached home bout 12.45am, bathed and sat infront of the television, hoping and praying that they would all go to bed soon. fucked up day. dying for a smoke.

realised my stomach was growling. gastric strikes, again. lucky raymond agreed to cycle over to have mac with me. totally no appetite during dinner. how to eat facing those people.

meeting raymond danny and weixing for lunch at botak jones tml. hope xiu shake and bear comes. kinda miss them too.

guess thats all for a fucked up day. gonna watch xing guang before trying to sleep.

2008-05-28T03:43:00.001+08:00

12am. brandon called me and said.
"edwin i need help to move some shelf"

so i said.
"huh now? u stay simei lehh"

he replied.
"u stay yew tee right. i come fetch u"

i said.
"errr. ahhh. uhhh. tml i need to go back camp leh."

he said.
"can la steady la."

i said.
"ok la ok la."

just one steady la. so easy to convince me.
when i went down. brandon asked me.
"edwin do u know any justin?"

i thought for a second and shook my head.

den as i walked closer.
FUCK ITS JUSTIN. from my secondary school class. THAT justin who always gets bullied. espescially by me. lol.

that was not the biggest shock of the night. in the taxi, which brandon's god father drove. the uncle said. did u tell them what we are shifting? then he turned around and said. its a safe box leh. and i thought. ok some mini safe perhaps. those as big as a mini refrigerator.
so much for shock number two.

lets get to shock number three. when we reached the place. we realised the safe is nearly as tall as me. i shook my head. and walked out. took out a cigg. huffed and puffed. thinking. RUBBISH. im medically downgraded and weighs less then 50kg.
that thing is 600 pounds. (600 lbs = 272.7 kg)

i keep saying. BRANDON. NI HAO JIE SHAO.
wa the process of moving that junk to brandon's house. was totally rubbish. sweat like hell. whole body muscles still ache now. damn. the only enjoyable process was sitting behind the pickup. BEST. the cold wind of the east area. WOOT. when was the last time i sat behind a pickup. hmmm. sat the pickup back to town (where the safe came from) to swap to the taxi, which is easier to drive, more comfortable, and moves faster. when we went into the taxi, i said. UNCLE YEW TEE. haha.

went back to cck for "supper" then the "taxi" sent me home.
too shag. went to see doctor to keng mc. told the doctor i vomitted last night anyway. then he pressed my stomach and said. stomach infection. -.- RUBBISH.

went home and slept the whole day away. =)

from edwin.

2008-04-03T18:33:00.001+08:00

dear god.
will you please let me go.
i'm tired.
there's nothing left inside me.
all drained.
just like.
my blood.

-remembermenot.

2008-04-01T21:05:00.001+08:00

all gone.